Heavy on my heart

I've been thinking about Rolin alot lately. I think about him daily but lately, he's been a focus on my mind. Im not sure why. I think it might have something to do with the fact that one of my professors says "Really?" the way he did...a mock sarcasim or suprise at something. Maybe because its the baseball playoffs and he loved baseball. [and we surely would have had a bet going on about the Angels/Yankees series] Maybe because his Birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas [three things he loved dearly]...and of course the three year anniversary of his death are all upcoming. I miss Rolin so much. I always feel like there is a piece of him here with me and of course there are the random moments that I am reminded of something funny he did and will smile or burst out laughing often with tears in my eyes. The other day I remembered how we scattered those 99 cent poppers from the 4th of July on the ground in San Francisco's China Town and then hiding in an Alley as we watched people step on them and being suprised by the "pop!" it made.

Rolin wanted me to graduate so very much. I still have all the cards he sent me encouraging me. When he died his death threw me off my game. I was shell shocked and couldnt deal with the grief. All I could think about (And often still do) at night was the last time I saw him having this sixth sense it would be the last time. I remember looking at him for such a long time telling myself it could be the last time. It was. He was just so sick. Or the last time I talked to him. I can still hear his voice so clearly in my head. I feel like Ive been in this fog the past two years and I am finally emerging. While the pain of losing someone so dear to you never truly goes away, the pain has eased and I can truly smile at all the wonderful memories without pushing them away because im afraid of crying. For so long I couldnt discuss the grief because I was afraid of breaking down. I think I am finally past that phase. Each day gets a little bit easier.

I miss you so much Rolin. I miss your voice and your laugh and your incredible sense of humor. But mostly I miss your smile and hugs. Im thankful for the time and the memories and for the happiness and joy you spread to my family. I love you Rollie. Eat a macaroon for me :)