Five Hundred Twenty-Five Thousand Six Hundred Minutes

"Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes Five hundred twenty-five thousand moments so dear Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes How do you measure, measure a year? In daylights, in sunsets In midnights, in cups of coffee In inches, in miles, in laughter and in strife In five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes How do you measure, a year in the life? How about love? How about love? How about love? Measure in love Seasons of love Seasons of love Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes Five hundred twenty-five thousand journeys to plan Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes How do you measure the life of a woman or a man? In truths that she learned Or in times that he cried In bridges he burned Or the way that she died It's time now, to sing out Though the story never ends Let's celebrate Remember a year in the life of friends Remember the love (Oh, you got to, you got to remember the love) Remember the love (You know that life is a gift from up above) Remember the love (Share love, give love, spread love) Measure in love (Measure, measure your life in love) Seasons of love Seasons of love (Measure your life, measure you life in love)"

I cant stop listening to Rent's Seasons of Love. It struck me the other night while watching the episode of Glee where they honored "The Quarterback" (the memorial episode of their fallen co-star Corey Monteith). This Saturday will be one year of my dad passing away, and this song, could not be more fitting.

It hasn't been an easy year, I have certainly had many many moments of solid breakdown grieving, moments of anger, and many many moments of happiness and knowing that I am very much alive and that life must be lived. I am so very lucky to be surrounded by family members and friends who have been there for me in every step of my grieving process.  There is something daunting about the one year mark, it gives me a bit of anxiety to realize we are one year removed from my Dad being alive and with us, and that each year marks us further from that moment in time. I can still hear his laugh, the way he said hi Meghan, his clearing of his throat, and his heavy breathing when the days were bad. I still open my email with the anticipation of there being a witty one from him, and still find myself staring at the martini shaker holding his ashes in disbelief at it all.

I never wrote about my trip back east to honor our dream. It was too hard... But now seems like the right time. The trip, was a pivotal part of this year and oh it was an incredible experience... grieving and healing all at once. It started with a moment of hilarity, me trying to scoop ashes into a medical bottle with a plastic spoon...for those that have never seen ashes, they congeal, and it was quite a moment. I found myself crying and laughing all at one time, he would have been mortified and possibly slightly amused as well. The plan for the trip (which was planned down to the very last second) went as followed:

• Saturday - fly to New York, explore Times Square and have dinner
• Sunday - Easter Parade on 5th Avenue [my father loved parades.], Easter Brunch at The Plaza [yes...The Plaza - Eloise Style], explore Central Park, and then see Chicago on Brodway
• Monday - Opening Day. Yankee Stadium. Boston vs. Yankees, night tour of NY
• Tuesday - Visit 9/11 Memorial, explore and hit Rockefellar and Macys
• Wednesday - Get our rental car and drive to Cooperstown to see the Baseball Hall of Fame
• Thursday - Drive to Boston, go to JFK library and explore Boston
• Friday - The Freedom Trail & exploring of Boston
• Saturday - Fenway Park! Explore Boston, Dinner at the Prudential Tower
• Sunday - exhausted we go home!

The main part to share about this itinerary right now is Opening Day at Yankee Stadium, Cooperstown and Fenway Park. My plan, was to leave ashes in all three of these locations, especially monument park and possibly the warning tracks at both stadiums. Long shots, but not impossible if timed just right.

I was so excited for my first visit to Yankee Stadium, and became utterly overwhelmed when I saw it. There is a video I took and all you can hear is me saying "oh wow, ohhhhh ohhhh" We got in line for the entrance that would get us to Monument Park quickest,  and once we were let in to the actual stadium we all ran like madmen to get in line for MP. As I was standing there, I saw an entrance to the outfield seats in front of me, and like a kid in a candy shop, I could not resist, I looked at my Mom and said, "Ill be right back!" I snuck down and I know my eyes lit up and my mouth dropped because before me stood one of the most legendary [well newer legendary] places in baseball history. It was shock and awe. I realized pretty quickly that there was hardly anybody around me and I made an executive decision. I ran as fast as my short little legs would take me down to the bottom of the outfield wall, and hurredly looking around me I opened my little medicine bottle, poured some into my hand, pretended to be very interested in the wall and the warning track below me, and let him fly. Before I could realize the magnitude of what I had just done, I clapped my hands, and ran like the dickens back up the steps and to my Mom who saw my crazed face, my dirty hands and started to cry.

 The entrance I walked into. I was. in. awe.

 Standing at the edge of the seats.

 

 

 Enter Monument Park. My Dad l-o-v-e-d Mickey Mantle. One of the last books I got him was about The Mick. It is smudged with food and creased and dirty, a sure sign that Tom Christy loved a book. I sat in front of Mantle's Monument, and next to the pansies and flowers similar to the ones I helped him water when I was kid, I spread him in. I worked to hold back tears and looked up to see the lady next to me was horrified, but luckily kept her mouth shut.

After that we headed to our incredible seats and had a Whiskey and Coke to toast Tom Christy. I was a bit distraught because Derek Jeter, Mark Teixiera and Alex Rodriguez were all out with injuries, and Nick Swisher was now a Cleveland Indian. I held on to a slim hope of a victory to enter Sandman (Mariano Rivera) [not. meant. to. be.] All of a sudden, the announcer spoke of a familiar name that would be throwing out the first pitch...a one Sweet Lou Piniella. It was like the clouds parted. Nobody loved sweet Lou more than Tom Christy and I knew that he was in fact with me there that day.

Our next stop: Cooperstown. This was the hardest part of the trip for me, and hardest to talk about because my Dad had never visited, and it was a place he would have simply loved. Words cannot do Cooperstown and the Baseball Hall of Fame justice...for a baseball fan it is pure heaven. My favorite movie is A League of Their Own, and my Dad would watch that with me over and over, they honor that movie and the All American Girls Professional Baseball League incredibly well. I found a beautiful tree as it lightly snowed and let him fly. I didn't want to be there anymore and yet didn't want to leave all at the same time. I will never forget that day, the snow, or the moment, it is forever etched in my mind and for me, Cooperstown is officially Holy Ground and I cannot wait to go back and visit again.

 

 

 

and finally...Fenway Park. Incredible. Fantastic. Beautiful. It took my breath away in a whole different way. The history. The Green Monster. the Original Seats. You can almost hear the murmur of the previous crowds of years before, or expect to see Ted Williams stroll down the concourse. Dark, Dank and glowing all at the same time. I would kill to see a game there. We missed Opening Day by one day. I got to sit atop the Green Monstaaaah and was beyond speechless. No opportunity presented itself to let him fly here, too many people in our tour group and didn't feel a compelling moment to do so. I know though, that he was there with me and would have been as speechless as I was in that moment. I felt a profound moment of sadness as I walked away. I could have stayed all day. I cant wait to go back.

I think about our trip everyday and smile. I wish so very much that he could have physically been there with me, but a piece of him was. It was a first of many experiences that he will not get to be a part of.

A few weeks ago, I went to Vegas with some of my very best friends. It was the first time I didn't visit La Cienga street. It was hard. I bawled like a baby the moment I stepped into Margaritaville and The Flamingo. Memories overcame me, and to be honest, I am not sure how I got through it. I couldn't wait to come back home. I'm not sure if Vegas will ever be the same for me.

The main thing I have learned in this year is to Love. myself and others. I have learned to let go what is not important and to hold on to what is.  I learned to live and to know that life is short and to make decisions that make me happy and let me live my life. In two weeks I am going back to Boston for Halloween with one of my best friends. We have talked about doing this trip for years. Why not now? Last week, I got laid off. It was devastating news, and yet, I have a whole new path in life I can choose.  The world as my dad would say, is my oyster and I get to choose with it as I will. I have a tentative plan that is shaping out, and I am excited at my opportunities.

I know that my Daddy loved me and he knew I loved him. I am so relieved and happy that we had that time, that we said our peace and that I could and did get to say goodbye. There is something so healing about that. As the first year of this new life closes, I close it with some finality and bright hope for my future.

Music has been a healing outlet for me, and to wrap this post, I will end with the lyrics that meant the most to me this year. the ones I listened to over and over again. That brought me comfort and joy, made me smile and made me cry, but mostly brought me comfort.

"Cause darling, it was good never looking down, and right there where we stood was holy ground. Tonight I’m gonna dance for all that we’ve been through, but I don’t wanna dance if I’m not dancing with you. Tonight I’m gonna dance like you were in this room, but I don’t wanna dance if I’m not dancing with you." Taylor Swift, Holy Ground

"Hey Jude, don't make it bad, take a sad song and make it better, remember to let her under your skin, then you'll begin to make it better better better better better better, oh nah nah nah nah nah nah, nah nah nah, hey Jude" The Beatles, Hey Jude

"Time stands still beauty in all she is I will be brave I will not let anything Take away What's standing in front of me

Every breath, Every hour has come to this One step closer. I have died every day Waiting for you Darlin' don't be afraid
I have loved you for a Thousand years I'll love you for a Thousand more." Christina Perri, A Thousand Years

 "Somewhere over the rainbow Way up high there's a land I heard of once in a lullaby Somewhere over the rainbow
Skies are blue And the dreams that you dare to dream Really do come true. Someday I'll wish upon a star
And wake up where the clouds are far behind me Where troubles melt like lemon drops Away above the chimney tops
That's where you'll find me Somewhere over the rainbow Bluebirds fly Birds fly over the rainbow Why then oh why can't I?"

"
When you bless the day, I just drift away, All my worries die I know that I'm alive, I get wings to fly God knows that I'm alive" Celine Dion, I'm Alive

"All the colors of the rainbow, all the voices of the wind, every dream that reaches out, reaches out to find where love began, Every word of every story, Every star in every sky Every corner of creation Lives to testify.For as long as I shall live I will testify to love I'll be a witness in the silences When words are not enough With every breath I take I will give thanks to God above For as long as I shall live I will testify to love." Wynonna Judd, Testify to Love

"And I... will always love you"

Baby Steps.

There are days where I miss my Dad to the moon and back and yearn for just one more conversation or email. Today was one of those. I was home sick, and actually had time to think about him, where usually I keep myself so busy, I don't have a moment to dwell. One email from him would have made me feel loads better. He would have loved a day like today where the Mariners creamed the Yankees, and I can only imagine what he would have said about it. As much as he loved the Yankees, he loved seeing the Mariners kill a powerhouse.Personally, I couldn't watch the game it was too painful knowing that post game email wouldn't be in my inbox. It's been difficult watching baseball this season, a love I have been passionate about since I was a young kid, and a love I know I inherited from my Dad. The only full game I have watched was the game I attended...Opening Day at Yankee Stadium. I think about my trip back east everyday, the trip where I took a piece of my Dad and spread him where I felt he would love to be....in Monument Park and a little bit on the warning track in Yankee Stadium. Prime Seating! Under a beautiful tree overlooking the Baseball Hall of Fame in Cooperstown. He would have loved the HOF. The trip allowed me to grieve and feel like I honored our dream. To see these places together. Tonight was only the second time since my Dad passed away where I have been able to search through my emails and read my Dad's words. The first, was when I was writing his eulogy and I took some of my favorite (and most appropriate, trust me, so many are completely inappropriate) quotes to share. As tough as it was, it made me feel closer to him and while the tears certainly fell freely, there was something healing and wonderful seeing his words again, and the reminder that he will always be with me. He certainly could make me laugh, and that will forever live on. I wanted to share some of my favorites. :I always get excited about pitchers and catchers reporting because it means baseball is on the way and I only have to tolerate the NBA a little longer. The NBA is lucky not everyone is like me or they would have no league at all. I wouldn't pay money to see any of them act like children and get paid for it. Too hip hop, too gangsta and too many tattoos for me. It reminds me of a pick up game at the park and it get worse every year. I was hoping for a strike so they wouldn't play at all this year. Yesterday might have been Groundhog Day but to me spring training is always the start of spring no matter what." [me sending him an email on the Mariners moving their fences in, and one of my last emails from him] "No, I had not seen that...Great idea! Now if we can get the visiting teams to pitch underhand to us we have a chance" "The Mariners are one of those franchises that should not be allowed to trade based on how many times they have screwed up the process" "I have no idea why fans up there pay to go to games at major league prices to see minor league players. Well enough ranting on the Ms, they are what they are." "By the way, our steroid argument was ok...I actually agree with you more than you think...I just felt like arguing with you." "If necessary the funeral for my laptop will be held in my backyard under the mesquite tree where I will lay it to rest after saying the appropriate words. None of the words will be worth repeating." "I want a bumper sticker that says "My child was Mariner employee of the month"." [on the Mickey Mantle book I gave him] "Also, I really liked the inscription you wrote. You are a terrific person and I love you very much. Take care of yourself. Love, Dad" I love you Dad. I miss you more than words can say, and am so thankful that we had a pretty solid email relationship so that I can look back at our conversations and smile forever.

25 Things about....ME!

1. I love artichokes....in fact, I am eating a cold one sans dipping sauce now. 2. I cannot stand silence. 3. I find comfort in watching favorite movies and TV shows over and over again and fast forward through parts I dislike. 4. My favorite adult drink currently is a CoronaRita. blend a margarita pour it in a bucket, flip in a corona. TA - DA! I thrilled and amused my co-workers at a post work happy hour with this contraption a few weeks ago. It is delightful. 5. I am prettysure I have an unhealthy addiction to Pinterest 6. I hate doing laundry with a passion. 7. I love to be cuddled up in bed watching a documentary on Netflix on a weekend morning. 8. I love to watch reality TV while I clean, I think the drama unnerves me. 9. I check people.com and E! atleast 5 times a day. It's a sickness. 10.I look forward to my weekly happy hour with my friends and discussing our crazy crazy lives, planning our next adventures and laughing so hard that everyone stares. Best times ever. 11. My job is at times way beyond stressful and insane and yet, there is something extremely addicting about it. Plus I have awesome co-workers. 12. Modern Family literally makes me laugh out loud even if I am alone. 13. I'll never understand people who are intentionally malicious to those around them. 14.I will stick-up and defend the people I love no matter at what cost and don't understand when people don't return the favor. 15. I love remembering my past and good times, but always always look forward to the future. 16. I am proud to be the aunt of the two most adorable babies who are precious miracles. I cannot wait to watch them grow up, and cannot wait until they can walk and talk and I can play with them, get them hopped up on sugar, take them on a Toys R US shopping spree and send them home covered in ice cream and close to a total meltdown to my brother. 17. I dream of a FRIENDS, Full House, Fresh Prince of Bel Air, Nanny, Saved by the Bell, Step by Step, Family Matters, Gilmore Girls reunion movie/show. Any of these would suffice...I am not picky... But until then, I will happily settle for Girl Meets World. 18. I secretly love the Kardashians. Well except for Kim. I don't like her... at all. I also love a little diddy called Sister Wives. Fascinating. Oh and then there is those Real Housewives... 19. I usually have to set my alarm a full 40 minutes before I need to get up to allow for snooze time. 20. Pickles and Cheese are my favorite snacks. 21. M&Ms are the best thing ever. 22. I was always against Kindles/e-readers etc, until I discovered this device on my phone. in. love. 23. If there is a good song on in the car, I will drive around the block or circle the parking lot until my sing-along is over. 24. All you need to do to cheer me up or make amends is to say the word "pedicure" preferably with the sentence " do you want to go get a pedicure?" and even better: "do you want to go get a pedicure? my treat" 25. I am thrilled to be crossing off major things on my bucket list in just over a month: New York, Opening Day at Yankee Stadium VS the Red Sox, Cooperstown, Boston, Salem, Fenway Park and JFK Presidential Library....cannot. wait.

3 and a half months.

It is amazing to me how much my life has changed and evolved over these past several months. I feel like I have been living in a foggy haze trying to keep up with my daily life, when there are days all I want to do is curl up in a ball and cry. In what feels like a year, has really only been 3 and a half months. Now that the shock has worn off the reality has set in. Nights are the worst, when the quiet sets in and my thoughts are vulnerable. There are times I want is to be alone, and then others where I can hardly stand the thought. I am lucky that I have friends who will take me in at a moments notice. I feel so lucky in so many ways because we had time to prepare and plan, and we knew that this horrible day would eventually come. I feel like it is selfish of me to be sad and upset on the outside when so many others do not get to prepare for death as my family and I did...and then I feel guilty that I am not outwardly grieving maybe the way I should be. After many (and one pretty severe) panic attack, I realized that I shouldn't worry about what people are thinking, saying or doing, and I that I shouldn't feel guilty... I should just well...feel because holding it all in certainly isn't helping me. When I am feeling the tears I am learning to let them fall, I am learning to take that moment and grieve in it, even if it does happen in the car, at work, or out with my friends. Grieving doesn't have a time table, and I don't think that we really ever get over losing a loved one, especially a parent. As baseball season approaches, I am finding a sense of loneliness as I don't have my Dad to banter back and forth with about how bad the Mariners are. That is a void in my life nobody will ever be able to fill. He would have loved to see Griffey inducted into the M's HOF and I will be there that day in his honor. In the last years of his life, we talked about taking a trip to New York, to see Yankee stadium, to travel to Cooperstown, and sit in Fenway park. We wanted to see a Yankee/ Boston game up close and personal. In July, during my last visit with him, the last game we watched was Yankees/Red Sox. He said when he got better, we would go see a game. As I nodded, I knew that when I went, he would not physically be with me, but in spirit, and so I am going. This April. For opening day, I will be at Yankee Stadium. I will travel to Cooperstown, and while I will not be able to see a game at Fenway, I will go and touch the green monster and stand there in wonder. I will take his ashes, and he will be there with me. I can't think of anything better. A new chapter in my life has started. I now feel like an adult dealing with grown up issues. I wish my life were different in so many ways, but I have to remember that everything happens for a reason. I have started seeing answers to the whys. As time moves forward, there will be more answers to the whys I am sure. I've learned a lot about the people around me. I am so incredibly thankful to my friends, I truly don't even know what I would have done without them these past few months. Now I look forward to my pilgrimage in honor of my Dad and our love of Baseball.

Little Moments.

This is an extrmely hard post to write, but yet, I feel like it is time to do so....so I will just start by saying that I am defintiely somebody who likes to believe in a greater power. That there is some form of existence after death and that those who pass on will communicate with you after their departure from this earth. (I am also somebody who believes in their daily horoscope, but that is an entirely different story). We had a dear family friend named Rolin who passed away in December of 2006. He was a larger than life person whom everybody loved. He loved to be over the top and would do just about anything for attention. One time, we were visiting Pike Place Market and he put a plastic bag on his head (his head was so big that it was like a very tight hat on his head) and walked around making weird noises and faces. It is a memory that will live with me forever. It was an extremely sad day and time when he passed and although he had been severely sick, his death was still unexpected as he went peacefully in his sleep. While on our way to taking our Mom to the airport for his funeral, a plastic bag wrapped itself around the antenna of the car, and rode with us the entire journey, only to dislodge itself as we neard the drop off terminal. Those of us in the car started laughing, and crying, sure that Rolin's spirit was with us that day knowing we were in pain and sadness, and it made us feel better, and took it as a total sign that he was with us in spirit.

Fast forward to the present. To my close friends and family it is no secret that my father is extremely ill, and is slowly losing the battle. It is also not a secret that we spent a great deal of my life apart from each other for a multitude of reasons. It hasnt been until the last five years or so that we have begun to heal old wounds and re-form our father-daughter relationship. And then, he got sick. It has been extremely hard to comprehend and understand how this could be happening. Why after so many years apart would I be losing him so young? Its so bewildering, confusing and emotionally upsetting. Denial has gotten me absolutely nowhere, and just caused more lost time. I realize that people lose loved ones everyday, but slowly preparing for the inevitable is a lot worse in some ways. I have been struggling more and more with this these past few weeks. I have been racked with guilt that I did not make it to see him over Father's Day weekend, and was finding myself in a dark spot. One day, I was on my way home from work, crying which had been triggered by a song I was listening to, when out of nowhere came a plastic bag flying around my car.In that moment I felt such a calmness and felt like I had my guardian angel there to protect me. To let me know that while things are going to be tough, I am not alone. I cannot tell you what an incredible moment that was for me.

Rolin's illness and death, in a lot of ways have helped me to prepare me for what I am going through with my own Dad. To think that I have to go through this all over again is extremely depressing, and yet out of the pain I have found comfort in the fact that Rolin never really left us. He may not be here pysically, but is is with us spiritually and lets us know every once in awhile. I can only hope and pray that the same will be for my own Dad.

Life certainly is not fair, and I may never understand why things have happened the way they have. But I do know that I love my Daddy and that he loves me, and I am certainly thankful for the time that we have been given together and for the memories that I hold so dear to my heart.

Just Keep Smiling

So much is happening in my life right now. Some of it is very good, some of it not so good, and some of it really really sad and painful. Trying to remember these lyrics and words of wisdom everyday :)

Smile, though your heart is aching
Smile, even though it’s breaking
When there are clouds in the sky
you’ll get by
If you smile through your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You’ll see the sun come shining through
for you

Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness Although a tear may be ever so near
That’s the time you must keep on trying
Smile what’s the use of crying
You’ll find that life is still worthwhile
If you’ll just
Smile

Randoms

• While I am beginning to go a little stir crazy and cleaned the entire bottom half of the house today, I am still procrastinating on cleaning my bedroom and putting away my clean clothes. I hate cleaning my room. and I hate laundry.
• My new favorite thing to add to Oatmeal Cookies? (Besides the chocolate chips) is grated orange peel...yummy!
• I dreamt of the PERFECT pair of brown boots last night. Now only, if I can just find them in reality...
• I am obsessed with chocolate covered raisins.
• I went 9ish days without having a diet coke, and when I had one, I got a horrible headache and found it didn't taste good. I think I have successfully broke my Diet Coke habit!
• It was delightful to open the sliding glass door and fill my glass with snow when making a margarita on the snow tonight. Much better than a margarita on ice :) [get it? hehe]
• same goes for my water.
• My new favorite show is Brad Meltzer's Decoded. {on the history channel} it is so. good. A team looks into stories of our past and present to figure out the truth behind them...extremely fascinating and I recommend you watch! :)
• I finally saw MoneyBall, and I absolutely loved it. [dont worry, I still loathe the A's].
• it has finally stopped snowing.