Little Moments.

This is an extrmely hard post to write, but yet, I feel like it is time to do so....so I will just start by saying that I am defintiely somebody who likes to believe in a greater power. That there is some form of existence after death and that those who pass on will communicate with you after their departure from this earth. (I am also somebody who believes in their daily horoscope, but that is an entirely different story). We had a dear family friend named Rolin who passed away in December of 2006. He was a larger than life person whom everybody loved. He loved to be over the top and would do just about anything for attention. One time, we were visiting Pike Place Market and he put a plastic bag on his head (his head was so big that it was like a very tight hat on his head) and walked around making weird noises and faces. It is a memory that will live with me forever. It was an extremely sad day and time when he passed and although he had been severely sick, his death was still unexpected as he went peacefully in his sleep. While on our way to taking our Mom to the airport for his funeral, a plastic bag wrapped itself around the antenna of the car, and rode with us the entire journey, only to dislodge itself as we neard the drop off terminal. Those of us in the car started laughing, and crying, sure that Rolin's spirit was with us that day knowing we were in pain and sadness, and it made us feel better, and took it as a total sign that he was with us in spirit.

Fast forward to the present. To my close friends and family it is no secret that my father is extremely ill, and is slowly losing the battle. It is also not a secret that we spent a great deal of my life apart from each other for a multitude of reasons. It hasnt been until the last five years or so that we have begun to heal old wounds and re-form our father-daughter relationship. And then, he got sick. It has been extremely hard to comprehend and understand how this could be happening. Why after so many years apart would I be losing him so young? Its so bewildering, confusing and emotionally upsetting. Denial has gotten me absolutely nowhere, and just caused more lost time. I realize that people lose loved ones everyday, but slowly preparing for the inevitable is a lot worse in some ways. I have been struggling more and more with this these past few weeks. I have been racked with guilt that I did not make it to see him over Father's Day weekend, and was finding myself in a dark spot. One day, I was on my way home from work, crying which had been triggered by a song I was listening to, when out of nowhere came a plastic bag flying around my car.In that moment I felt such a calmness and felt like I had my guardian angel there to protect me. To let me know that while things are going to be tough, I am not alone. I cannot tell you what an incredible moment that was for me.

Rolin's illness and death, in a lot of ways have helped me to prepare me for what I am going through with my own Dad. To think that I have to go through this all over again is extremely depressing, and yet out of the pain I have found comfort in the fact that Rolin never really left us. He may not be here pysically, but is is with us spiritually and lets us know every once in awhile. I can only hope and pray that the same will be for my own Dad.

Life certainly is not fair, and I may never understand why things have happened the way they have. But I do know that I love my Daddy and that he loves me, and I am certainly thankful for the time that we have been given together and for the memories that I hold so dear to my heart.