3 and a half months.

It is amazing to me how much my life has changed and evolved over these past several months. I feel like I have been living in a foggy haze trying to keep up with my daily life, when there are days all I want to do is curl up in a ball and cry. In what feels like a year, has really only been 3 and a half months. Now that the shock has worn off the reality has set in. Nights are the worst, when the quiet sets in and my thoughts are vulnerable. There are times I want is to be alone, and then others where I can hardly stand the thought. I am lucky that I have friends who will take me in at a moments notice. I feel so lucky in so many ways because we had time to prepare and plan, and we knew that this horrible day would eventually come. I feel like it is selfish of me to be sad and upset on the outside when so many others do not get to prepare for death as my family and I did...and then I feel guilty that I am not outwardly grieving maybe the way I should be. After many (and one pretty severe) panic attack, I realized that I shouldn't worry about what people are thinking, saying or doing, and I that I shouldn't feel guilty... I should just well...feel because holding it all in certainly isn't helping me. When I am feeling the tears I am learning to let them fall, I am learning to take that moment and grieve in it, even if it does happen in the car, at work, or out with my friends. Grieving doesn't have a time table, and I don't think that we really ever get over losing a loved one, especially a parent. As baseball season approaches, I am finding a sense of loneliness as I don't have my Dad to banter back and forth with about how bad the Mariners are. That is a void in my life nobody will ever be able to fill. He would have loved to see Griffey inducted into the M's HOF and I will be there that day in his honor. In the last years of his life, we talked about taking a trip to New York, to see Yankee stadium, to travel to Cooperstown, and sit in Fenway park. We wanted to see a Yankee/ Boston game up close and personal. In July, during my last visit with him, the last game we watched was Yankees/Red Sox. He said when he got better, we would go see a game. As I nodded, I knew that when I went, he would not physically be with me, but in spirit, and so I am going. This April. For opening day, I will be at Yankee Stadium. I will travel to Cooperstown, and while I will not be able to see a game at Fenway, I will go and touch the green monster and stand there in wonder. I will take his ashes, and he will be there with me. I can't think of anything better. A new chapter in my life has started. I now feel like an adult dealing with grown up issues. I wish my life were different in so many ways, but I have to remember that everything happens for a reason. I have started seeing answers to the whys. As time moves forward, there will be more answers to the whys I am sure. I've learned a lot about the people around me. I am so incredibly thankful to my friends, I truly don't even know what I would have done without them these past few months. Now I look forward to my pilgrimage in honor of my Dad and our love of Baseball.