I cant stop listening to Rent's Seasons of Love. It struck me the other night while watching the episode of Glee where they honored "The Quarterback" (the memorial episode of their fallen co-star Corey Monteith). This Saturday will be one year of my dad passing away, and this song, could not be more fitting.
It hasn't been an easy year, I have certainly had many many moments of solid breakdown grieving, moments of anger, and many many moments of happiness and knowing that I am very much alive and that life must be lived. I am so very lucky to be surrounded by family members and friends who have been there for me in every step of my grieving process. There is something daunting about the one year mark, it gives me a bit of anxiety to realize we are one year removed from my Dad being alive and with us, and that each year marks us further from that moment in time. I can still hear his laugh, the way he said hi Meghan, his clearing of his throat, and his heavy breathing when the days were bad. I still open my email with the anticipation of there being a witty one from him, and still find myself staring at the martini shaker holding his ashes in disbelief at it all.
I never wrote about my trip back east to honor our dream. It was too hard... But now seems like the right time. The trip, was a pivotal part of this year and oh it was an incredible experience... grieving and healing all at once. It started with a moment of hilarity, me trying to scoop ashes into a medical bottle with a plastic spoon...for those that have never seen ashes, they congeal, and it was quite a moment. I found myself crying and laughing all at one time, he would have been mortified and possibly slightly amused as well. The plan for the trip (which was planned down to the very last second) went as followed:
- Saturday - fly to New York, explore Times Square and have dinner
- Sunday - Easter Parade on 5th Avenue [my father loved parades.], Easter Brunch at The Plaza [yes...The Plaza - Eloise Style], explore Central Park, and then see Chicago on Brodway
- Monday - Opening Day. Yankee Stadium. Boston vs. Yankees, night tour of NY
- Tuesday - Visit 9/11 Memorial, explore and hit Rockefellar and Macys
- Wednesday - Get our rental car and drive to Cooperstown to see the Baseball Hall of Fame
- Thursday - Drive to Boston, go to JFK library and explore Boston
- Friday - The Freedom Trail & exploring of Boston
- Saturday - Fenway Park! Explore Boston, Dinner at the Prudential Tower
- Sunday - exhausted we go home!
I was so excited for my first visit to Yankee Stadium, and became utterly overwhelmed when I saw it. There is a video I took and all you can hear is me saying "oh wow, ohhhhh ohhhh" We got in line for the entrance that would get us to Monument Park quickest, and once we were let in to the actual stadium we all ran like madmen to get in line for MP. As I was standing there, I saw an entrance to the outfield seats in front of me, and like a kid in a candy shop, I could not resist, I looked at my Mom and said, "Ill be right back!" I snuck down and I know my eyes lit up and my mouth dropped because before me stood one of the most legendary [well newer legendary] places in baseball history. It was shock and awe. I realized pretty quickly that there was hardly anybody around me and I made an executive decision. I ran as fast as my short little legs would take me down to the bottom of the outfield wall, and hurredly looking around me I opened my little medicine bottle, poured some into my hand, pretended to be very interested in the wall and the warning track below me, and let him fly. Before I could realize the magnitude of what I had just done, I clapped my hands, and ran like the dickens back up the steps and to my Mom who saw my crazed face, my dirty hands and started to cry.
Enter Monument Park. My Dad l-o-v-e-d Mickey Mantle. One of the last books I got him was about The Mick. It is smudged with food and creased and dirty, a sure sign that Tom Christy loved a book. I sat in front of Mantle's Monument, and next to the pansies and flowers similar to the ones I helped him water when I was kid, I spread him in. I worked to hold back tears and looked up to see the lady next to me was horrified, but luckily kept her mouth shut.
After that we headed to our incredible seats and had a Whiskey and Coke to toast Tom Christy. I was a bit distraught because Derek Jeter, Mark Teixiera and Alex Rodriguez were all out with injuries, and Nick Swisher was now a Cleveland Indian. I held on to a slim hope of a victory to enter Sandman (Mariano Rivera) [not. meant. to. be.] All of a sudden, the announcer spoke of a familiar name that would be throwing out the first pitch...a one Sweet Lou Piniella. It was like the clouds parted. Nobody loved sweet Lou more than Tom Christy and I knew that he was in fact with me there that day.
Our next stop: Cooperstown. This was the hardest part of the trip for me, and hardest to talk about because my Dad had never visited, and it was a place he would have simply loved. Words cannot do Cooperstown and the Baseball Hall of Fame justice...for a baseball fan it is pure heaven. My favorite movie is A League of Their Own, and my Dad would watch that with me over and over, they honor that movie and the All American Girls Professional Baseball League incredibly well. I found a beautiful tree as it lightly snowed and let him fly. I didn't want to be there anymore and yet didn't want to leave all at the same time. I will never forget that day, the snow, or the moment, it is forever etched in my mind and for me, Cooperstown is officially Holy Ground and I cannot wait to go back and visit again.
and finally...Fenway Park. Incredible. Fantastic. Beautiful. It took my breath away in a whole different way. The history. The Green Monster. the Original Seats. You can almost hear the murmur of the previous crowds of years before, or expect to see Ted Williams stroll down the concourse. Dark, Dank and glowing all at the same time. I would kill to see a game there. We missed Opening Day by one day. I got to sit atop the Green Monstaaaah and was beyond speechless. No opportunity presented itself to let him fly here, too many people in our tour group and didn't feel a compelling moment to do so. I know though, that he was there with me and would have been as speechless as I was in that moment. I felt a profound moment of sadness as I walked away. I could have stayed all day. I cant wait to go back.
I think about our trip everyday and smile. I wish so very much that he could have physically been there with me, but a piece of him was. It was a first of many experiences that he will not get to be a part of.
A few weeks ago, I went to Vegas with some of my very best friends. It was the first time I didn't visit La Cienga street. It was hard. I bawled like a baby the moment I stepped into Margaritaville and The Flamingo. Memories overcame me, and to be honest, I am not sure how I got through it. I couldn't wait to come back home. I'm not sure if Vegas will ever be the same for me.
The main thing I have learned in this year is to Love. myself and others. I have learned to let go what is not important and to hold on to what is. I learned to live and to know that life is short and to make decisions that make me happy and let me live my life. In two weeks I am going back to Boston for Halloween with one of my best friends. We have talked about doing this trip for years. Why not now? Last week, I got laid off. It was devastating news, and yet, I have a whole new path in life I can choose. The world as my dad would say, is my oyster and I get to choose with it as I will. I have a tentative plan that is shaping out, and I am excited at my opportunities.
I know that my Daddy loved me and he knew I loved him. I am so relieved and happy that we had that time, that we said our peace and that I could and did get to say goodbye. There is something so healing about that. As the first year of this new life closes, I close it with some finality and bright hope for my future.
Music has been a healing outlet for me, and to wrap this post, I will end with the lyrics that meant the most to me this year. the ones I listened to over and over again. That brought me comfort and joy, made me smile and made me cry, but mostly brought me comfort.
"Cause darling, it was good never looking down, and right there where we stood was holy ground. Tonight I’m gonna dance for all that we’ve been through, but I don’t wanna dance if I’m not dancing with you. Tonight I’m gonna dance like you were in this room, but I don’t wanna dance if I’m not dancing with you." Taylor Swift, Holy Ground
"Hey Jude, don't make it bad, take a sad song and make it better, remember to let her under your skin, then you'll begin to make it better better better better better better, oh nah nah nah nah nah nah, nah nah nah, hey Jude" The Beatles, Hey Jude
"Time stands still beauty in all she is I will be brave I will not let anything Take away What's standing in front of me
Every breath, Every hour has come to this One step closer. I have died every day Waiting for you Darlin' don't be afraid
I have loved you for a Thousand years I'll love you for a Thousand more." Christina Perri, A Thousand Years
"Somewhere over the rainbow Way up high there's a land I heard of once in a lullaby Somewhere over the rainbow
Skies are blue And the dreams that you dare to dream Really do come true. Someday I'll wish upon a star
And wake up where the clouds are far behind me Where troubles melt like lemon drops Away above the chimney tops
That's where you'll find me Somewhere over the rainbow Bluebirds fly Birds fly over the rainbow Why then oh why can't I?"
"I have loved you for a Thousand years I'll love you for a Thousand more." Christina Perri, A Thousand Years
"Somewhere over the rainbow Way up high there's a land I heard of once in a lullaby Somewhere over the rainbow
Skies are blue And the dreams that you dare to dream Really do come true. Someday I'll wish upon a star
And wake up where the clouds are far behind me Where troubles melt like lemon drops Away above the chimney tops
That's where you'll find me Somewhere over the rainbow Bluebirds fly Birds fly over the rainbow Why then oh why can't I?"
When you bless the day, I just drift away, All my worries die I know that I'm alive, I get wings to fly God knows that I'm alive" Celine Dion, I'm Alive
"All the colors of the rainbow, all the voices of the wind, every dream that reaches out, reaches out to find where love began, Every word of every story, Every star in every sky Every corner of creation Lives to testify.For as long as I shall live I will testify to love I'll be a witness in the silences When words are not enough With every breath I take I will give thanks to God above For as long as I shall live I will testify to love." Wynonna Judd, Testify to Love
"And I... will always love you"
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